Beach House Cabana, Shorelines, The Palm

Wow.  Just wow. Quite literally the worst food I have ever had in Dubai.  And that really takes some doing.

Let me explain…

For AED130 you buy vouchers and get 4 drinks and 1 food item from a specialized menu.  At first glance, this menu looks great!  And then it arrives.  But, I am getting ahead of myself.  I just want to confirm that you can skip the food and use that voucher for a drink too.  5 drinks for AED130 is still a great deal.

So, I order my Savannah and high fived my friend for picking a great venue.  It was beautiful weather, you could see the ocean, and it wasn’t busy at all.

Then we wanted to order food.  I am always “problematic” as I have food sensitivities that I need to be careful of.  I am thankfully not coeliac, but have a wheat intolerance.  I am now an expert at reading down a menu and seeing what I can and can’t have, and which dishes need to be asked about.  That said, in this day and age when so many people have food issues, I shouldn’t be seen as “problematic” at all.

Anyway, I digress again.

Burgers (regular or mini) and fajitas were the ones I wanted, so I asked.  The waitress, who was very sweet but just didn’t get it, eventually (upon my insistence) bought the chef out.  It always makes me feel better to see the person who will be making the food.  They know exactly what goes into it, right?!  Ummmm…..

Yeah… so after being told three times that both dishes came with bread even though I explained I was asking about the meat parts of both, I eventually used my mother’s voice and slowly re-explained.  Turns out the burgers (both) have breading in the patty so I couldn’t have that.  But the fajitas were fine.  Hoorah.  Just because there had been some communication difficulty, I asked one final time about the seasoning on the meat and peppers.  Thankfully.  That turned out to be taco mix and of course had wheat flour in it.  D’oh.

(How difficult is it to throw some spices together and make a proper fajita marinade, btw?!  Taco mix should go on tacos not fajitas.  Grr.)

Back to the menu: I could have had edamame, which I am a huge fan of, but what with drinking in the sun on just some soy beans not sounding like the best idea, we moved onto the shwarma.  Apparently this was “safe”.  Great!  Love me a good kebab!

So it came out and he had kindly mixed the inside of the shwarma up for me and put it in a bowl, despite me asking just for the meat.  It wasn’t good, and there was a taste that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  Oh, and it was stone cold.  Not quite what a shwarma is in my mind.  Something made me check to see if the chicken was cooked.  It wasn’t thoroughly.  It wasn’t raw by any estimation, but it was still pink tinged.  I asked the others what they thought and it was unanimous that I shouldn’t eat it.  I sent it back with the waitress asking for a fresh dish to be prepared.  It came back.  They had just popped it in the microwave.  It was hotter, but the sour cream/lettuce/pickle/tomato all was too.

Toys went out of my pram, and I asked the poor waitress (whose fault it was not) to get me a fresh version.  She came back with the chicken still in the butterflied breast shape, and all the salady bits separate!  Woop!  Yeah… not so fast.  The chicken was swimming in oil, and was literally a centimeter thick with the seasoning in some places.  I ate about a quarter and then gave up.

The chips weren’t bad.  Especially with the mayo that kept arriving, which was a highlight to this meal.  A bit like busses… ask for one and three come along at once!  Not that the mayo was good.  It was that horrific type that comes in a giant vat, and lasts a million years.  Blugh.  So it was really just the comedic factor.

Now for the other girls’ dining experience:

One girl had Thai fish cakes and they were “fine”.  Her biggest joy was that they hadn’t arrived in a plastic basket like last time.  That said, she would have taken the plastic basket if they had tasted as good as last time too.  Nope.

One girl had the fajitas.  By her own admission she was so hungover she actually couldn’t taste a thing.  We will give this a pass for now because none of us actually wanted to try each others dishes, so we don’t know.

One girl had the burger.  She pronounced it the worst burger she had ever eaten.  I tried a bite of the patty and I entirely agree.  Just vile.  I am not sure how something as bland and cheap tasting ever made its way onto a menu in Dubai.  Nor am I entirely sure how you can actually cock up a burger patty to that level.  Obscenely bad.  Seriously, never have one.  She ate just a quarter of it because she physically couldn’t force any more down.

Later on, a large number of beverages later on, we ordered mini-burgers.  Just as bad as the full sized one.

The winner of the food was the edamame.  Although overcooked if you are used to having it at a decent restaurant, you can’t go too wrong.  Whatever goo they normally put on them was kept as a dipping sauce (thankfully), and we just covered them in salt.  It filled a small gap, but a girl can’t live on soy beans alone!  Thank goodness I was going for dinner at a decent restaurant that evening!

Would I go back?  Yes.  They have Savannah and the staff may not be the sharpest tools, but they were very sweet indeed.  Would I eat again?  Unless their menu is drastically overhauled, f-me no!!!!

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